Such a quandary

God or no God

Supreme Being or not

None of us have concrete proof

Staring at us

Unable to be refuted

How about good or evil?

One person’s sin

Is another’s right

So much is belief

Religious commandments

God’s law

Ultimately humans

Say what is or was God’s law

And prescribe penalties

For non-adherence

Just humans we are

Seemingly not programmed

To be what someone else

Sees as ‘good’ or ‘evil’

Rules religious or government

Help define good or evil

So truly

Does each of us

Have to spend a lifetime

Searching our souls

To know

The ‘hows’ and ‘whys’ of our existence

For what can actually

Never be known

Certainly a number don’t care

Or want to know

Or can’t act on what they do know

Some are not interested

In expanding the possibilities

In their own lives

Some have never been given the chance

Accident of birth, race, wealth, handicap

So seriously

Is ‘Who are we?’

A question most worry about

In the struggle just to survive

Does it even matters?

Well my personal observation

Is that when you hold my hand

We become ONE

FXC

3/24/19

Scanning pictures

Family pictures

Over forty-five years

Some kindle blazing memories

Others are fuzzy

Needing more time

To remember

Or maybe I need

You to be my memory

For me to see that moment again

In that picture

I know I was there

The date tells me that

But you can still be there

Like a movie camera

With an old film

The images frozen in your head

While those same images

Have seeped out of my mind

Don’t know why that picture is not in my mind

But they are in yours

So I will share if that is okay

Don’t leave

I’m just now remembering

The story of our lives

Like an old Super 8

The images blur and stutter

But you are reading it to me

Page by page

Picture by picture

Don’t leave

It is such a good story

You tell it so well

With such feeling

I’m able to relive our history

Moments that have slipped away

You recreate for me

Out of fading images on a darkening screen

I’m glad they are back

Please, please

Read me me the story of our pictures together

It is our story

A very good story

A very good book

With a happy ending

As I memorize your face

Again

Till you read to me

I love you

FXC

3/7/18

Bardstown

So it was set

A trip to the country

Just a few hours

Maybe some antique shops

A little musty but intriguing

So hard getting used to being alone again

So many times we worried

About what the kids wanted

Or needed

Now we had to discover

What we really wanted

More important what you liked and desired

Oh yes, I knew you liked chocolate frosting

But I didn’t know you liked cream cheese frosting also

I guess we didn’t get to that on our first or second date

Well now I know

So we drove to a specific spot, Bardstown

Oh my gosh, we forgot how long it has been since we went to

Bardstown

Then, so busy and so new

Camping and playing with the children

We, young and full of energy

Now we kept looking for restrooms and

Dairy Queens

Well fortunately we found both

Not really a Dairy Queen but a McDonalds with ice cream cones

We just wanted to look at each other

To search for that moment when we just squeezed

Just because we were together

But we were confused

We though just by getting away

That the old magic would pour

Out of the bottle again

And all the old feelings

Would flood back

But it seems we will have to piece

It back together

The old haunts

The old memories

We will do it

And we will

Come back to Bardstown

FXC

9/13/11

65 degrees is not really cold

But the whole family had the flu

And I was warding off the illness

By wearing a jacket with long pants

Just needed a sandwich from Subway

Not too complicated

Even knew what my wife wanted

Grilled chicken with chipotle sauce

Three smokers outside the bar next door

Told me it couldn’t be too cold

Went into Subway

Quickly noted there was virtually no one in the store

Well there was one person

As I looked towards the counter

There was one perfectly dressed young lady

Who seemed to be staring at me

Tried to act like I was looking away

Couldn’t help but notice everything luscious about her

Soft brown hair cascading down her shoulders

Short mid thigh skirt, shiny black boots, a hint of lip stick

AND no wedding ring

Yet she continued to watch me

As I made my way to the counter

It was inevitable

Our eyes met and locked

Locked until she started surveying me

Actually I was almost embarrassed

Wanted to look away

But the momentary passion kept my eyes glued on hers

As she studied me

Finally her eyes broke away

From top to bottom

She studied me

In a panic

I wondered if my fly were open

As her eyes lowered and then stopped

I too looked down

And saw what captivated her

Pajama bottoms

Our eyes were not locked anymore

Took my deflated lust

Left the store with quickly

Praying to forget

FXC

9/7/11

Huh?

What am I doing?

Here with you

Like a first date, maybe a second

It was time to buy a new quilt for the bed

Who knew that?

I kept the old one clean when you told me to

And then the pretense that was used to sneak

Into the store

We were out for a drive

A simple moment to get away

We had gone far enough to feel free

Never dreamed I would be here now in

Kohl’s

You are so sweet and elusive

And then you ask me a question

The question

That really has no answer

No up and down head motion will answer

“What do you think of this color?”

What do I think of that color?

They are all the same to me

Just give me blue or green

What? You need a green or brown to match the colors of the walls

When I paint them?

When I paint them?

What? I though we were looking for a quilt

I know, I know

I am fighting you

Pulling against you

When this is what you want to do

So hard for me to be part of this

I love you so much

But now colors?

You want me to understand and like, colors?

I am not there

Can we go back to blue and green?

I look at you

Study your face

Your eyes

This is such a moment for you

You are with your lifelong love

In a store

Looking at colors

I want you so much

But colors?

I only like colors because of you

I only see colors because of you

They are like math to me

I can only understand colors

When you wear them

But I know

This moment

Is a moment of love making

I will love colors

As I love you

And I will look in your eyes

When I tell you that this shade of

Brown and green will match

The walls I paint

In our house which is not too far from Kohl’s

FXC

9/14/11

Gently, softly I need to let you go

I didn’t know how to tell you so

We’ve been so intertwined

Our thoughts, to begin, so eye to eye

Struggles, so meshed, no difference

Between beginning and end

Like the morning sun, lighting what was Dad

It’s so clear now

Rebirth must occur

Who are you really?

So clearly, I remember your long brown hair

Rosy cheeks, uniform skirt to mid-thigh

Your smile demure but assured

My turbulent youth

Your quick mind and wry humor

Easing the vicissitudes of life

I stole your youth

Sent you on a long journey of responsibility

Our time together busy with work

Children and community

Now, today, I have to ask

Does our journey together continue?

I need to know

We have grown together and apart

As we have learned to heal others and ourselves

Do we still share a vision of us?

Dow we still dream of our future?

You fly from my heart to be you

So clearly you, so unique

This is my gift to you

I would not have you be my wish

But rather your dream

So many have said, give to receive

So as before, I love you

I still expect nothing but have been granted all

As you fly towards the sun

Let your shadow cast

Your love towards me

FXC. 7/2/02

116 hours

That is al it’s been

Since I touched you

Did you know?

All this time

That it has been I

Who has needed

To touch

No wonder I wonder

Where we are

Circling in a sea of work

Healing others but

Not ourselves

Conversation that babbles

About jobs and weather

All this time

No wonder I wonder

116 hours

How long before

You notice

I’m not there

Touching

I really hope you

Notice

Need you to

Notice

FXC 2/1/06

Ten years tonight

Your cool body

Lay before me

Then placed in my arms

No words

Were spoken

Of a yesterday or tomorrow

No words

Only tears

Spoke

Of the anguish

Not knowing

Will love live or die

Your features so clear

Your memory so dear

Would you be a moment forgotten

A memory never forgotten

For some unknown blessed reason

You stayed with us

It is unfathomable to me

Why my child lived and others haven’t

FXC. 11/9/02

I wish I were your TV

That you watch

So ardently

Or even a grandchild

That you hold even

With your eyes

But what can’t be explained

Is that just next to you

I am glad

FXC. 3/7/08

Don’t know when

Closets became an issue to me

Specifically our closet

Didn’t seem to complicated

To merge yours with mine

In one closet

Neither seemed to be clothes hogs

So I don’t know when

There seemed to be less space

For my clothes

There I’ve said it

So ignorant

Maybe when we got a place

With two closets

One beckoned to be filled

I don’t think so

Just another area bereft of thought

For me

How could I not notice

That gradually I was seeking

Niches here

Niches there

Man caves weren’t in vogue yet

‘Place of my own’ maybe?

Your clothes always seemed

To take precedent

They were more tasteful

Mine were to cover flaws

And you know once

Out of the closet

I was never going to get back in

So this is it

Not till years later

Overhearing a conversation

Between women of course

I heard the term, ‘his closet’

What? What?

There should be a book for men

A primer as it were

There is no GPS for marriage

But men need direction

And you know that

I’m just saying

FXC 3/2019